Abbey was so much more than a cat to me. She was comfort, home, a familiar face and sound. I suppose she was a bit too important to me...should I have allowed a pet to mean so much, to such a degree that I am just miserable without her? I know the timing was awful, but truly her loss would never have come at a good time. It is like losing a friend. I want her back. I want her bunny soft fur back. I want her persnickity ways back. That damn cat. That friend. She is gone. damn it. I don't care if dying is part of life. I miss her. I can't will her back. No matter how hard I try, I can't make her come back. damn it. and there is no replacing her. I didn't intend to do that with Toodles and Isadora, but I had thought I would be able to love again...perhaps it was too soon.
so much f...ing loss. damn it. it's not fair. I loved that crazy cat. I loved that f...ing husband. damn it. so much f...ing loss. I loved a persnickity cat and a distant husband and they are both gone from my life now. but they were mine. now they are gone. damn it. so much loss. sure he wasn't perfect, but let's face it...neither am I. what makes it soo difficult is that it was not just all bad times...there were good times and he was also part of some healing in my life. he thought I was beautiful. we laughed a lot. we danced to U2. we ate burgers. we prayed. we took long walks and dreamt of our future. we cried for eachother's pain. we cursed the darkness and praised our God of light and salvation. we sang to Keith Green. we watched old movies. we drank good wine. but...as I came to know to be true...good times is not all God had designed for marriage. bad times may come, but they should never has been as bad as ours were. those times are the stuff I am now agonizing over to be healed of. pain so deep, only a union of two could bring.
I don't want pity. I don't want to be told it will be ok. I know it will be, someday. But Jesus, I miss them! The less then perfect lover and as-close-as-a-child cat are gone. it hurts so bad.
Jesus, you are the only Only I have. You saved me at 21. you saved me again at 34. First from eternal separation from you. the second from a degrading marriage that was destroying my soul. I am thankful. I am. but I can't lie and say it doesn't hurt.
I am running to you because that is all I know to do.
the Cain - an ancient celtic prayer
Christ be with me
Christ within me
Christ behind me
Christ before me
Christ beside me
Christ to win me
Christ to comfort and restore me
Christ beneath me
Christ above me
Christ in quiet
Christ in danger
Christ in hearts of all that love me
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger
I found this in a Graham Cooke book called, "Beholding and Becoming". it speaks my hearts groans and my spirit's desire. I am utterly useless without this Christ that destroys sin and makes broken bodies new. without this Christ that has moved me from death to life I would have walked in darkness so grotesque that my skin would have cried for mercy. Yet, I feel neither here nor there. I have the key to freedom, but lounge on my couch of disdain. disdain for all I have lacked and appear to have no way of gaining. this is not just self-pity, but also fear of failing... if I do attempt to seek what I long for (and the Bible promises is mine)...which is essentially love...will it be real? how long will it last? what will I have to give up to receive it? how long does freedom last? these questions are normal for me. after coming from a marriage that asked for everything and gave me suffering and some joy, I have to wonder about the authenticity of love. God is so other and yet I have in some way equated His love for what I received from the "spiritual leader" I came to fear in my marriage. it is hard to separate the two because Joe was supposed to love me as Christ loves the church...of course I know intellectually that Joe was literally the antithesis of Christ's passion for the church, but my emotionally beaten heart is a bit confused.
well this is a rambling conversation that just needed to get out of me. a friend said that emotions are great servants but miserable masters. how true. she suggested that I do some searching via the internet on scripture that speaks of who I am, my value, etc. I can't agree more. Every where I turn, I read about, hear about the power of scripture. again, my head understands and nods...but it is entirely different to consume Truth and be part of it. that's what I want. to be part of truth. literally my flesh and spirit to be consumed with truth. I have had all else. yes, I have had some truth, but I need so much more.
I am truly thankful that each day, each moment is an opportunity to draw closer to God and receive His love. that, I suppose is the greatest mission of my life. to be consumed with the truth of His love and to offer it as best as I can.
