today I experienced joy, both quiet and loud, even as I felt my companions, grief and suffering near by. I realize more now then yesterday that the loss I feel is very real. I have lost a spouse to divorce. the feelings I have are equal to those of one who has lost a husband to death. and it seems that the more I come to understand that, the greater life has become.
as I drove over the 520 bridge during rush hour, I noticed boats gliding through the water towards UW. watching the oars catch wind and then dive back into water brought my chaotic world to a halt (yes, I kept my eye on the car in front of me). I thought, "ah, I know how that feels", to drive an oar into wild and chilly waters.
I blogged recently about the ecstacy I feel when kayaking. perhaps the ecstacy, love-feelings are more profound then I realize. perhaps the surrounding sounds and sights is actually my Beloved, reaching out to me as I play in His garden. Song of Solomon (SOS) brings me into this reality. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine. Heather Clark, a recording artist, has an album that coupled music with the words of SOS. today, I could hear her singing as I worked at the computer and drove around town. the words played over and over in my mind, washing me of stale and sickening untruths that so often keep me paralyzed.
I find it strange that through this period of utter agony and loss I am awakening to the world around me, as if I were falling in love for the first time. as truth is received and pain realized, so is the color of leaves more vibrant and friendship-love more precious.
how is it possible to feel so lost and yet so aware of my surroundings, as if it were calling to me to come?
it must be the Beloved. calling me. calling you. to come.
Monday, March 14, 2005
Thursday, March 10, 2005
reading lolita in tehran
came across an exceptional thought by the author, Azar Nafisi...
"I could invent the violin or be devoured by the void."
how does that translate into my life? it seems every day I make choices. do I celebrate unique and commonness within self and others, or do I groan that others are not just celebrating me?
recently, I have been thinking of aspects of life I have yet pursued...what prevents the steps needed to realize those dreams? it may sound funny, but kayaking has sort of been wooing me for years. each time I have sat alone, pushing and gliding through water, I have felt a sort of ecstasy with my world, as if every particle of living about me is quickening towards me and I am embracing it right back. this is not flying to the moon. this is going out of my house, down a few streets, renting a kayak and then moving forward into the dream.
maybe I just rely on tomorrow to take control so I don't have to.
"I could invent the violin or be devoured by the void."
how does that translate into my life? it seems every day I make choices. do I celebrate unique and commonness within self and others, or do I groan that others are not just celebrating me?
recently, I have been thinking of aspects of life I have yet pursued...what prevents the steps needed to realize those dreams? it may sound funny, but kayaking has sort of been wooing me for years. each time I have sat alone, pushing and gliding through water, I have felt a sort of ecstasy with my world, as if every particle of living about me is quickening towards me and I am embracing it right back. this is not flying to the moon. this is going out of my house, down a few streets, renting a kayak and then moving forward into the dream.
maybe I just rely on tomorrow to take control so I don't have to.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
P A I N
Below is an excerpt from the website: divorcecare.com. As one experiencing such intense pain through divorce, the words fit my deepest utterances of grief and longings for God, my Healer...
Your energy imbalance affects every aspect of your life. You may feel guilty because you lack the spiritual energy to relate to God or because you lack the physical energy to care for your children or to keep up with family and friends. Please don't.
Dr. Jim A. Talley says, "You need to be aware that these things are normal and to be expected, that you will recover, and that things will be fine. It's a matter of going through the process and allowing God to help you stabilize yourself. Put yourself back on the right track, and allow God to walk through this process with you. It is not a quick fix.
"The painful reality is you have two choices as you walk through this process: You can either have extreme pain by doing it the right way or excruciating pain by doing it the wrong way. There is no pain-free way out."
Do not feel guilty if you are not living up to your own expectations of how you should act in regard to your spiritual, emotional, physical, or mental responses. Regaining a balance is not possible right now. Just take one forward step at a time.
"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" (Psalm 56:3-4).
Lord God, I choose to walk this journey with You, realizing that my pain is going to be a way of life for a while. But not forever. Amen.
Your energy imbalance affects every aspect of your life. You may feel guilty because you lack the spiritual energy to relate to God or because you lack the physical energy to care for your children or to keep up with family and friends. Please don't.
Dr. Jim A. Talley says, "You need to be aware that these things are normal and to be expected, that you will recover, and that things will be fine. It's a matter of going through the process and allowing God to help you stabilize yourself. Put yourself back on the right track, and allow God to walk through this process with you. It is not a quick fix.
"The painful reality is you have two choices as you walk through this process: You can either have extreme pain by doing it the right way or excruciating pain by doing it the wrong way. There is no pain-free way out."
Do not feel guilty if you are not living up to your own expectations of how you should act in regard to your spiritual, emotional, physical, or mental responses. Regaining a balance is not possible right now. Just take one forward step at a time.
"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" (Psalm 56:3-4).
Lord God, I choose to walk this journey with You, realizing that my pain is going to be a way of life for a while. But not forever. Amen.
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