New York, New York

I am a little overwhelmed by this city...after a week of staying in a cool apartment in Manhattan, I feel as if I am just beginning to see the uniqueness of New York. My family and I went to a Broadway play, have eaten some incredible food, walked and explored most of the island and enjoyed Christmas in our little home.

Why am I overwhelmed? It's like meeting a new friend and wanting to know everything about them in 10 minutes. The bond comes with time spent together...that's what I long for here in New York. Time to get to know her better. It's a magical place. I laughed to myself yesterday as I passed one of the many tourist shops with t-shirts saying "I Love New York"...I immediately thought of a alternative shirts stating, "Jesus loves New York". What kind of response would I get from wearing that around places like SoHo and the Village? Wearing a t-shirt proclaiming some obscene thought would in my opinion be more acceptable then something stating God loves a place...that He may actually be cool and compassionate.

Aslan

two worlds collide and one less ordinary seems more true.

I caught a glimpse of my beloved today. His hair is golden, His breath far reaching and powerful, His gaze piercing and embracing...

oh, all I want is you.

My Aslan. My Lover. My God.

I am faint with love.

Draw me back to You.

snow falling

Hello...
I wonder if time does equal distance? Just curious.

Snow fell on Seattle yesterday, absolutely gorgeous. Call me conditioned by culture, but Christmas without snow just seems wrong. So, I am now ready for the colorful lights, Christmas tunes and tree (yes Christmas, not Holiday).

Bless you as the year 2005 comes to a close and 2006 is soon to be born.

Celeste

What's all the fluff?

I'll tell you, I have been moved today by the beauty of fluff and simple love. sacrificial love. Have you seen "March of the Penguins"? well, I did today. I sat with a room of strangers and shared in the laughter and cooing over these incredible beings. They are amazingly complex, live in the extreme and love with such intense passion, I am just moved to tears.

the images are from a wonderful site called www.corbis.com

I love the elegant profile, the baby and parent views, the couple alone together, and of course the winged wonder approaching it's liquid home...it all takes my breath away.
I added one of tourists gawking at an individual
penguin. I feel jealous that I was not one of them,
as shameful as it looks...I would just love to
explore such a place and see these lovely
beings. Can anyone say, "infatuated"? I think I may be.

the gate

The kingdom we hope for and already live in.

9/11: In Rememberance

IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.

There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear.

Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.


I didn't write this, but felt it fit for today.
Shalom to you friend.

tragedy and humor

The darker the night - the brighter the stars,
The deeper the grief - the closer God is.

I found this quote on another blog...what a lovely proverb to meditate on. As the days go by and I continue my walk of life, I remember the victims of the hurricane, as well as others who have suffered. It all draws me closer to God.

Recently, I borrowed a book called, "In The Presence Of My Enemies", by Gracia Burnham. She wrote it a year after she was released from a year and eleven days of captivity in the Philippines. She and her husband were missionaries to the people of the Philippines for fifteen years. They had gone on a one day vacation to one of the islands to celebrate their wedding anniversary. They literally had less then 24 hours to enjoy some rest and peace before returning to work. In the morning of their departure, they and 16 other hotel guests were kidnapped and taken hostage by a group of people affiliated with Bin Laden. Although most of the hostages were released after a few months or even weeks, the Burnhams were kept for much longer.

Sadly, Gracia's husband, Martin Burnham was murdered the day they were to be released. I have yet to finish the book, but have been truly blessed to have read some of her story. Blessed is supposed to mean - a deep happiness. Not, giddy and joyful, but deeply happy. Of course, I am not at all happy about the circumstances and death of some of those kidnapped. What impressed me was how the couple responded to their captors. Also, how the group took care of each other and learned how to relate to their captors.

Gracia shares about living in small quarters on a fishing boat and a situation that got her thinking. One of the kidnapped ladies had gotten her period and was worried about how to take care of it. All they had were the clothes they had put on as they were hurried out of the rooms by the captors. Gracia suggested making a pad out of cardboard, which a pair of teenagers began to diligently work at. All of a sudden Gracia heard laughter..."As I watched these girls giggling, I thought to myself, "Isn't it amazing how the human mind can find humor in even the darkest situations"."

So, the quote at the top of today's entry struck a cord and reminded me that through the darkest times of our lives, there is always always always the gifts of love and even humor that are given to us by the Creator as a way of moving closer Him and finding peace in the storm we are facing.

I suppose it isn't a coincidence that God has given me the ability to laugh hard over very simple things. When I laugh, I feel a release from anxiety. I also love to make others laugh. I don't think it is "sacrilegious" to find humor in desperate times...it is necessary to come to terms and to find life, no matter where we are currently at.

Believe me, I am preaching this to myself.

gratitude

I feel so thankful to be alive today.

many of us gathered at St. James last night for the weekly Taize prayer mass. what a powerful experience. candles. song. a sense of being together to direct our concerns to God. I left feeling less burdened and a heart full of desire for God and His shalom.

a newspaper photographer was there and took some pictures of my friend and I as we prayed with lit candles. I had no idea he was doing it at the time. after the service he asked if he could add our names to the pictures. sure, I said. get the word out, we are concerned. I made sure the story was on the up and up (can you imagine having your picture attached to a story about a cult or something?) I am kidding but you never really know. anyway, the paper is out on Wednesday so I will check it out. it felt strange to have any attention directed to me when all I am thinking about is the victims of the hurricane. If in any way a picture of me praying helps one other person pray, then it is worth it.

love to all.

New Orleans

My beloved country. I cry for your heartbreak. I mourn your loss. I celebrate that some are saved and I mourn for those lost. I yearn for love and care to be shared to every hurting person involved in this tragedy. Hurricane Katrina.

The news coverage I've seen is just heartbreaking. Now there is violence breaking out, people stealing guns and shooting at the relief workers! It's interesting that the reporters are not making the shooters out to be bad...in fact they are saying these people are just reacting out of anger and frustration from their experience. It will be very interesting to me to see how the rest of the world responds to our pain. The US has helped so many people around the world...I hope people come to our rescue now. I heard that Israel will be sending doctors and people to build make-shift hospitals. I haven't heard anything else in terms of international help.

The people in New Orleans are suffering so much...babies and old people who have been staying in the Superdome are literally dying due to lack of food and water! It's ridiculous! Over 90 people have been arrested for looting. It is going to get much worse before it gets better. President Bush just spoke on tv to assure the American people that help is on the way, but none of the victims heard it because there are no tv's to watch on the streets! the word is not getting to the people who need to hear it the most.

I am praying for quick relief for the victims and patience, love and peace for the relief workers. it's got to be tough to deal with so much sadness and death. I will go light a candle today at my favorite church, St. James, for all involved there.

A disaster like this makes me love my country as it moans with grief. I just wish I could go and help. Relief work has always been something I have wanted to do. I have a friend who left two days ago to help...she is part of an organization that does that kind of work.

I will pray and do whatever I can to help. I will pray for angels to minister and for the Lord to wipe every tear and hold each person who suffers. I am reminded of how much we need eachother. I am reminded of how suffering is often a place from which we learn how valuable life is and how important the Life Giver is to us.

If you want to make a donation, please click on the address below to find out how you can help. It is a listing of various organizations offering help to the victims:

http://www.microsoft.com/mscorp/citizenship/giving/relief.asp

miss abbey

I have really missed my girl lately. The two new kitties are cute, but I am starting to wonder if I am in a place to open my heart to them.

Abbey was so much more than a cat to me. She was comfort, home, a familiar face and sound. I suppose she was a bit too important to me...should I have allowed a pet to mean so much, to such a degree that I am just miserable without her? I know the timing was awful, but truly her loss would never have come at a good time. It is like losing a friend. I want her back. I want her bunny soft fur back. I want her persnickity ways back. That damn cat. That friend. She is gone. damn it. I don't care if dying is part of life. I miss her. I can't will her back. No matter how hard I try, I can't make her come back. damn it. and there is no replacing her. I didn't intend to do that with Toodles and Isadora, but I had thought I would be able to love again...perhaps it was too soon.

so much f...ing loss. damn it. it's not fair. I loved that crazy cat. I loved that f...ing husband. damn it. so much f...ing loss. I loved a persnickity cat and a distant husband and they are both gone from my life now. but they were mine. now they are gone. damn it. so much loss. sure he wasn't perfect, but let's face it...neither am I. what makes it soo difficult is that it was not just all bad times...there were good times and he was also part of some healing in my life. he thought I was beautiful. we laughed a lot. we danced to U2. we ate burgers. we prayed. we took long walks and dreamt of our future. we cried for eachother's pain. we cursed the darkness and praised our God of light and salvation. we sang to Keith Green. we watched old movies. we drank good wine. but...as I came to know to be true...good times is not all God had designed for marriage. bad times may come, but they should never has been as bad as ours were. those times are the stuff I am now agonizing over to be healed of. pain so deep, only a union of two could bring.

I don't want pity. I don't want to be told it will be ok. I know it will be, someday. But Jesus, I miss them! The less then perfect lover and as-close-as-a-child cat are gone. it hurts so bad.

Jesus, you are the only Only I have. You saved me at 21. you saved me again at 34. First from eternal separation from you. the second from a degrading marriage that was destroying my soul. I am thankful. I am. but I can't lie and say it doesn't hurt.

I am running to you because that is all I know to do.

the Cain - an ancient celtic prayer

Christ be with me

Christ within me

Christ behind me

Christ before me

Christ beside me

Christ to win me

Christ to comfort and restore me

Christ beneath me

Christ above me

Christ in quiet

Christ in danger

Christ in hearts of all that love me

Christ in mouth of friend and stranger

I found this in a Graham Cooke book called, "Beholding and Becoming". it speaks my hearts groans and my spirit's desire. I am utterly useless without this Christ that destroys sin and makes broken bodies new. without this Christ that has moved me from death to life I would have walked in darkness so grotesque that my skin would have cried for mercy. Yet, I feel neither here nor there. I have the key to freedom, but lounge on my couch of disdain. disdain for all I have lacked and appear to have no way of gaining. this is not just self-pity, but also fear of failing... if I do attempt to seek what I long for (and the Bible promises is mine)...which is essentially love...will it be real? how long will it last? what will I have to give up to receive it? how long does freedom last? these questions are normal for me. after coming from a marriage that asked for everything and gave me suffering and some joy, I have to wonder about the authenticity of love. God is so other and yet I have in some way equated His love for what I received from the "spiritual leader" I came to fear in my marriage. it is hard to separate the two because Joe was supposed to love me as Christ loves the church...of course I know intellectually that Joe was literally the antithesis of Christ's passion for the church, but my emotionally beaten heart is a bit confused.

well this is a rambling conversation that just needed to get out of me. a friend said that emotions are great servants but miserable masters. how true. she suggested that I do some searching via the internet on scripture that speaks of who I am, my value, etc. I can't agree more. Every where I turn, I read about, hear about the power of scripture. again, my head understands and nods...but it is entirely different to consume Truth and be part of it. that's what I want. to be part of truth. literally my flesh and spirit to be consumed with truth. I have had all else. yes, I have had some truth, but I need so much more.

I am truly thankful that each day, each moment is an opportunity to draw closer to God and receive His love. that, I suppose is the greatest mission of my life. to be consumed with the truth of His love and to offer it as best as I can.

discovery

Wow, it's been almost a month. sorry to those who are checking in to only find the same entry for the past month. it's been a hectic few weeks...hectic good and bad.

the retirement home job ended two weeks ago. I was entirely caught by surprise by how much I loved that job. Adoption has always been my great love, ever since I was a child. But, entering the world of elderly folks brought home how much I enjoy spending time with them and a passion has grown for their rights as human beings. Through that position I caught a glimpse of the loneliness idleness can evoke.

I am reminded of a book that was written by one of my heroes, Henri Nouwen, called,"Adam". If you have not read it, do. He shares his insights into caring for those who outwardly seem useless to our society, yet inwardly hold riches that are profound for those willing to seek them. This book was read to me and three others as we drove from Seattle to Anaheim...a journey of discovery for each of us. Hearing the words of Henri spoken by a beautiful Norwegian woman was a gift I still unwrap, over and over again. Thank God these gifts are ours to keep.

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. (my paraphrase)

meow

It has been a little bit of time, since my Abbey went to God. I knew that I would need a companion sooner than later. Recently, I have been looking at www.petfinder.com to find a pair of kitties I could adopt. It seems to me that Abbey was a rather lonely kitty so I have decided to get two to eliminate the lonelies.

So happy...I think I may have found two very special kitties to adopt. Pandora and Strudel. They are not siblings, but have lived together in the same foster home for just under two years. They are feral cats and were brought to the home when they were just a few weeks old. Pandora is the grey one and Strudel the multi-colored one. I drove to North Bend last weekend to meet the pair, to see if there was any chemistry. Pandora was a hoot. the kind of cat I had hoped Abbey would be. Abbey was a rather aloof princess who desired love on her terms. Pandora came calling within minutes...leaping on my lap and showing me she approved....Strudel on the other hand was very shy. I was told that she does not do well with strangers...she is very afraid of strange sounds and movements. Unsure if she was abused as a kitten...her behaviors would suggest as much. However, I felt bonded to her immediately. Yes, it is the love for the underdog that I cannot resist. Although she would not come out of the closet, I was able to lock eyes with her for a bit and somehow I think she knew I was safe and kind. She did not run away, which was highly unlike her.

I plan on bringing the two home in a week. Since Strudel really needs as much consistency as possible..I plan on keeping her nickname, "Toodles". However, Pandora is going to be given a new name asap. I have thought up some good ones, but nothing that fits her perfectly yet. Any suggestions?

So, even as I miss my Abbey dearly, it is time that I open my heart again. I look forward to once again hearing meowing and purring near my ear as I wake and after a hard day of work.

I choose life.

fulfilled

for over a week now I have been working at a retirement home on Queen Anne. it has been wonderful to spend time with these elderly brave hearts...each one, like myself, has a story to tell and a deep desire to be loved and accepted.

my heart beats hard and sings loud when I can share my love with them. honestly, I need to do this...it gives me life to give it away. the loneliness in their eyes can be so deep. like a child lost at the fair. not sure where their parents are or how to get home. each day I visit with a dear woman who longs for her mother. she cries and asks why she can't go home. I hold her and assure her that she is loved and is home safe. then, there are others who are just full of joy and shalom. even as they suffer through aches and pains, they seem to rise above it and shine. their anecdotes and jokes are as rich and lively as those heard on the big screen.

why are the elderly underappreciated so? what causes them to become so isolated? I know we all become busy and feel less inclined to be around the sick then the young and vibrant...but it just hurts to see these beautiful people alone. So, I feel lucky to be here...it was a surpise gift that I thank God for. Hopefully this temporary job will become permanent and I will learn more about what love looks like in the eyes of the brave. it feels good to look beyond myself and find purpose while getting paid!

My dearest Abbey is gone

Abbey Graham

May 1990 to June 25th, 2005

"Set me like a seal on your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
passion as cruel as Sh'ol;
its flashes are flashes of fire,
(as fierce as the) flame of Yah.
No amount of water can quench love,
torrents cannot drown it.

SHIR-HASHIRIM (SONG OF SOLOMON) 8:6-7

my sweet kitty had been diagnosed with kidney disease a few months ago and was given a few months to a year to live. I was shocked to find out that my dear friend would not be with me for years to come. I just expected it. I mean, she looked so well. so beautiful. but the doctor said she was sick. I was to give her three different medications a day. over time, it dwindled to every other day due to fuss and expense. she hated it, as did I. she had also been diagnosed with high blood pressure which was related I suppose to the disease.

I have enjoyed these last months with her. enjoying her has always been easy to do. that scrappy cat. that smart girl. anyway, last week I noticed that she was not altogether herself. she was not her chatty meow meow self. Friday night the 24th, I came home from Taize and noticed she was really down. her tail was low to the ground, which was absolutely not her. she was always the princess, with her tail waving high in the air to her subjects (me). internally, somehow I knew she was looking for a place to die. she walked around the house, not finding rest. Saturday morning came and she was worse. she was walking funny, sort of falling over, not able to stand very well. she was not making a sound. not one meow. that was the worst. she had always told me what was up, where she had been and where I should take her. if she wanted to eat, she would meow and walk me to her bowl. she was like that, always chatting. so, no words, walking into walls and falling over was all very bad. as I was petting her, I noticed a large mass on her right side. I didn't want to believe all I was witnessing, but knew it was over. that it was time to put her to rest.

I called my dear friend Mary Anne and asked if she would meet me at the veterinary hospital. She had agreed to be with me when the time came to put my baby to sleep. such a gooooood friend. I made the appointment and had three hours to be with Abbey at home. I held her and cried and told her how much I loved her. she was quickly losing her energy. She let me hold her, more than she ever had before. she sat on my lap as I drove over to Mary Anne's house. Mary Anne drove us to the vet, God what a difficult ride that was. holding my Abbey, knowing she was going to her death.

we arrived and were given a room. the doctor is and was kindness personified. the most compassionate, most sincere vet I have ever met. he had been the one caring for her during these difficult months. he understood from the beginning that loss would come soon and tried his best to help me care for her as well as to keep costs to a minimum. I told him about her behaviors and the mass I had found. he said that she must have had cancer and not kidney disease. he said abdominal cancer can mask itself as kidney disease and it was common that it can cause the back legs to give out, which was happening. God, it all happened so fast. My hope was that he understood that she had to be put to sleep, I did not want to do loads of testing and other expensive procedures...I knew it was her time. I suggested as much and he seemed to be relieved that I knew.

I had to be with her when she went...it was critical that I loved her into her knew place. I just had to hold her and let her know that I loved her so much. Abbey never liked going to the vet's. she hated it. I could tell she was upset. I knelt on the floor so I could hold her tight while she rested on the table. as they were shaving her back leg for the injection, her body arched and then she rested her head on my right shoulder, her mouth just next to my ear. as the injections began, she started to breath loud and heavy. each labored breath going into my ear. she cried a few times and I held her tighter, crying and telling her she would be ok. without inhibition, the tears were pouring down my face...I was able to be "brave" until we had decided it was time...then the realization of losing my dear dear friend had shocked me into tears. she went quickly. her last breath was heavy and long, falling softly into my ear. it was incredibly painful to know she was gone. the doctor was kind enough to shave some fur from her belly, the softest bunny fur imaginable. how many times had I cried and slept on that downy soft belly? For FIFTEEN years she was my girl. my friend. my companion and comfort. and now, she was gone.

Mary Anne offered that I could bury Abbey in her yard. what a blessing. I just couldn't leave her with strangers to be burned and thrown away. So, I gently placed my Abbey in a box and took her home. Mary Anne and Bill were having out of town guests, so Abbey stayed with me until the following day.

It was like an Irish wake. I sat with Abbey and cried and cried and cried. More tears than I thought I had in me. My friend Christy sat with me a good part of the day. Thank God for friends. it was unbearable to be alone, without the sounds of Abbey's crying and running around. I just couldn't believe she was dead. and yet, watching her fade away over those 24 hours did help me to let her go. Abbey is an all white cat and her ears were always pink with life. during those 24 hours, the pink had faded to white, her body had become stiff, her little spirit was gone.

I buried her under a tree, a tree with thorns. perfect really, Abbey was my darling cantankerous kitty. Bill, Mary Anne and Mary Lee were there with me. we shared stories of my baby, I read scripture and a poem I had written for her. I placed the beautiful pink flowers I had bought from the store upon her body. she looked so peaceful. Mary Anne suggested that Bill place her in the grave, since it was deep. I declined the offer. During the whole process of death and grieving, I knew that I had to be the one to take care of her. she was my Abbey. I loved her in her living and wanted to do the same in her dying. I decided to bury her without a box. it was right that she would be with the earth and little creatures. she had always loved to play in the grass, pouncing on things (imaginary or real).

when I was ready, we walked single file to her burial site. what an amazing family they are. they were so kind to allow me space to do as I saw fit. I laid on the ground in my black funeral attire so that I could gently place her in the ground. I had covered her with some beautiful deep blue silk material I had bought in Hong Kong when I was eight years old. the material is all I have left of my grandfather who had died when I was nine. my mother and I lived with him for a summer in Singapore and he had taken us to Hong Kong for a trip. this material had always represented love to me, a sort of memorial of him. I wanted to give Abbey something that meant alot to me. so there she lay, with blue silk, pink snap dragons, and a small wooden icon of an angel blasting a trumpet. I covered her with the beginnings of her new home and then Mary Anne and family placed the rest of the soil upon her. that was by far the hardest thing to do. it was finished and she was gone.

so now I grieve. my dearest Abbey of fifteen years is gone. I moved out of my parents home with this friend. I traveled many states, cities and years with her. she was my constant and I shall never forget her.

I love you Abbey
always always always
Be free to roam the fields of Heaven
I look forward to seeing you again.
Dont' give the Lord too much trouble.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,

and naked I will return there.

ADONAI gave; ADONAI took;

blessed be the name of ADONAI."

IYOV (JOB) 1:21

by the way

This Tuesday I was informed by my dear dear Grandmother that she has a deadly disease. She is doing her best to live positively...
Would you please pray for her?

I love her so much.

sorting it out

Hi
I am learning so much about what is and is not me. Have you ever read "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud? A few of us are going through it...learning about what is our responsibility and what is not. What to let go of, what to ask help for, what to do ourselves. God gave me a picture about it...He wants to teach us how to fish. It isn't rules and regulations as much as it is freedom to live and be productive in life. How to interact with others. How to grow up. The beauty of fly fishing was the image...I have never attempted it but it appears to be so graceful and yet dirty as well. We are not removed from the elements but in them. Knee deep. Somehow knowing what my role is and what to leave for others is such a mystery to me. At times I "get it"..for a situation or moment it is clear. I suppose that is what living is about.

Anyway, it is good to be alive and knee deep. I believe the Father is teaching and will continue to show us the way to freedom and living abundant.

Bless you today in your pursuit of these things.

rest

yesterday I did some nanny work. a sweet little 3 year old girl. little blond hair, blue eyed energy girl. have I yet shared how much respect I have for parents and caregivers of children? it is not for the faint hearted. incredible patience. mercy. grace. humor! love. these things are just some of the tools needed to succeed in caring for a child. another biggee is...taking nothing, absolutely nothing personal. if they tantrum, stay calm, it is not about you. if they sniffle and wimper, remember, they are just a little person walking as best they can into the life given them. nothing like us, right? I never tantrum. I never complain.

parenting, caring for children is THE opportunity to recognize God's mercy towards us. He never tires of my complaints. He has compassion beyond my comprehension. It is so good to be the kid...not God.

I went to a conference last weekend called, "Touched by God". God did touch me...He gently stoked my hair and spoke to me that He has not forgotten a certain promise He gave me so long ago. Not only that, but He has more then I can fathom. Greater and more glorious then I could dream. My little heart yearns to see it, to live my dream. But it seems that right now my greatest "assignment" is to rest. Rest rest rest. heal. rest. I am in hospital mending. that means that someday I will be released...set on my feet, to do what I have been made to do.

truth.

learning to walk in freedom

thank God. eight months.

Today marks my eight month anniversary of freedom.

The divorce was finalized October 7, 2004. Without a doubt, each of the five years spent in that marriage was more like being incarcerated than being wed to a loving partner. I used to think that it was something I had done. That if I had responded well, remembered everything so that he did not have to repeat himself, if I was more thoughtful, caring, etc, things would be better. It took a long time to understand that what I had done "wrong" was that I was a female, a representative of every woman who hurt him. The sad acts made against my ex-husband in his childhood sealed the fate of any woman who would later become intimate with him. He knew only fear, sadness and abandonment. And so, I became very familiar with the same. I write this because domestic violence is so vile and if my story can help one person, in any way, it is worth the risk to share it.

I remember sharing with a counselor in the second year of marriage that it was difficult for me to leave because my ex-husband and I experienced immenge joy at times. It seemed that we even experienced healing love too. I could not understand how that was possible when other times were so unbearable and he could be so cruel. She asked me to think about how good was the good and how bad the bad? If the bad outweighed the good, then our relationship was not nurturing, but destructive. It was really difficlt for me to snap out of denial and see the truth, and so these word pictures would help me, briefly, to see. Of course, now I can see that the the relationship was doomed, but at the time, I was in love and in denial. I was wounded and lost.

I don't blame the woman who held on. I know why she did and I have huge grace for her/me. I am even learning to forgive him. The greatest tragedy would be to be free of the tyranny and yet a slave to bitterness. Lord, may that never be so.

I can forgive the one who put me in prison, but I can also rejoice that I am free!!!

There are times I remember and thank God.
This is my alter today. A stone placed on the flesh of my life.
I am free. I am free. I am free.
Thank you sweet Jesus...I am free.

I am free physically and am learning to be free in my heart, mind and spirit.

Each day I call on His shalom, His abundant grace, His incredible love for me.
I now have hope for wonderful and simple things to come forth in my life and through my life.
Amen. Let it be so.

me 

beauty 

Desert flower

I am learning to be a desert flower.
Yesterday, while in prayer, a beautiful flower came to mind. It is one of those greenish purple succulents that seem to just thrive in the desert...living as it were, on sunlight and little else. I found myself praying as I saw that image, that the Lord would make me a desert flower. Strange request? Perhaps. But it seems appropriate for my circumstances.

Why not just bloom where I'm planted?
Why wait for Africa or India?
Paris or Morocco?


Seattle is a great place to feed and grow.

Moving On

I feel a huge sense of Peace, Abundance, Joy and Hope...
for over four years I knew no peace.
joy, at times. hope, at times. abundance, never.

Now, being free of a terrible marriage for 7 months now, I can breath freely.
I am no longer tolerating life, I am living it!
I can now celebrate life around and within me.

I can once again hope for the seemingly impossible.
I can believe once again that the purest of hearts loves me.

It says somewhere in Proverbs that people perish for lack of vision. that was me. no vision. no hope.

I am eternally grateful that God has plucked me from a destructive life and given me immense hope and PLEASURE to once again be alive and kicking. The "alive" being joy of life, the "kicking" being the angst to indulge myself with hope and to ensure others experience it as well.

I expect greatness now. I expect my little life will be an instrument for Him to use.

May I be useful for the children of this world. May I be a light for women who suffer as I have suffered.

Amen.

Cornerstone Art Gallery

Hello...Jack...
you inquired recently about one of the pieces I have on my site...the one with men and women hunched over in a sort of earthen womb, with light shining in...well, here is the website where I found it...
www.cornerstonegallery.com
not sure who the artist is, I came upon it while viewing my dear friends art (Mary Portteus). search through the "past exhibitions" section, I know it is there, just not sure where. good luck!
:)

Recovery?

How Do You Know If You've Recovered?
Day 52
"Anytime you do not feel anger, blame, self-pity, bitterness, or resentment, then you are experiencing recovery. If you think of your former spouse less often than you used to, this is a sign of recovery. If you are living in the present more than you are dwelling in the past, you are recovering. When you look back and see where you have been, that means you are in a position of recovery. The peace of Christ indicates recovery."

At divorcecare.com there is a plethora of resources for divorce recovery. It has been a huge gift to receive their 365 daily readings. Above is day 52...the words are still reverberating within me.

It is actually possible to feel peace in the eye of the storm. I feel forgiveness towards him. I pray for goodness and peace to rest upon he, who tormented me. He is himself, tormented. I feel a release to no longer hold that bird, expecting to heal him. That is what Jehovah is ready and able to do.

Jehovah...I feel comfort in my bones. warm kind pure true without blemish oh God I love you!

thank you for recovery.
thank you for hope.
Chacah.

sleepy

she says it all...
sleepy sleepy,
time for bed.
not many hours behind,
not enough ahead.
so close my eyes I shall
experience simpleness
bless the angels about me
the Lord is in my bed.

advice

don't you hate it when someone
tells you how to live your life?

I witnessed the effects of good intentioned
advice tonight...it was not asked for nor appreciated.

this poor woman, I've been there myself,
is going through divorce proceedings
and shared a bit about that tonight.
she was on the verge of just outright
bawling...and instead of allowing space
to grieve, she was cut off with a funny anecdote.

why are we so afraid of silence?
uncomfortable tears?
having been there I know what I need
when crying...an ear. that's all.

this room we share (in divorce recovery)
is flourescent, huge, with chairs scattered,
and crossed legs.

I feel angry that the surroundings are full of chaos
and bright lights. as if we are under this probing light
expected to pour out our hearts contents.

if I am asked to share my shit,
please do not analyze and interpret.

please give me my space to rage
and cry and mend.

thankfully I am surrounded by friends who seem
to understand space. I am utterly amazed
by these friends who
can just be with me in my shit.

maybe that is why I was so pissed off tonight
when I saw "facilitators" act so carelessly.

there has to be room for mistakes and I grant
that to these facilitators, but it seems to happen every
week. these are people who have gone through
divorce themselves, but hey, give us a chance to
go through it now. ok?

enough. it's been expressed.


can be with them in their time of need.

abbey and me

had to add this bit...a local artist some how captured my cat and I so well I just had to share it. she the solemn, royal one...me the crazy one dancing in her pj's over the city. really, it's remarkably true to both our characters.

the movie of the day 

конец - the end

I looked into a website that translated english words into other languages. the word today is "end". hopefully the above Russian word is what I intended it to be for....the end.

walking throughout Woodland Park Zoo today, my friend and I noticed the unique wonders the animals seem to possess.

shape, the texture and length of an animals coat, their expressions, God they are walking art pieces, they are beautiful, they are we. it moved me to tears to think of their captivity, they are so far from home. do they like it there? do they even know the difference between a few inches of earth and miles and miles of more? I felt really sad today and my friend said to just be me and not worry about making her feel comfortable. she is a special person, this friend. so, when I would moarn for their loss, she sort of felt it too and yet knew I could not dwell on it too long. my dear friend, walking that tight rope with me, so dear.

I do sound morose, don't I? well, it's where I am at some days. and others not so much. yesterday, I wrote about the green wonders of plants. that joy is still with me. but so is the pain of loss. I can't and won't let the pain be buried, it just has to be present with me. I accept that. I know that I can not hide from it. My dear Lord is with me. I know that too.

a film is playing now, here in my apartment, "Truly, Madly, Deeply". I first saw it at the San Francisco Film Festival with my mum. it's a really poignant, deeply moving film about the death of a partner. the main character mourns with such passion, totally uninhibited. I haven't seen it for such a long time and felt it would be good to see now. thank you Netflix. at times, I feel pain but keep the wailing within. I don't want to make anybody uncomfortable, including myself?

how is it possible to be sad and still have "chacah"?

green

baby tears, have you ever seen this beautiful plant?
years ago I saw them in my dear friends home. She (Mary) had a terra cotta pot filled with these light green gems. The light from a nearby window made the little baby leaves glow. Literally, ever since then I have looked for them, but have had no luck.

My luck changed last weekend while wondering around Queen Anne Hill, I actually found them! I grabbed my seemingly one and only chance and purchased three pots for $3.99 each...yes!

Amazing, what great pleasure comes from these green friends. I've always been intimidated by plants. similar to how I used to feel with children. give me a camera or a computer and I can just play to learn. but, with plants and children, it has been different. with children, they always seem to know more then they admit to. they seem like little prophets. sometimes angels, and sometimes, well, not. but perceptive. over time I have discovered that yes, children are amazing, but they are also simple, they just want to be loved.

then there are plants. they seem intense, vulnerable. it seems that they could so easily be killed. I want to enjoy the life they offer, but am not sure how to contribute to that life. sounds like these fears are similar to those I used to experience with children. to make it easy, I just avoided them all together. here again enters Mary. her approach to all kinds of living is simple and beautiful. she digs dirt, slips in a seed and if it grows, she sparkles with glee, if it doesn't she still seems to sparkle. her life does not depend on the result, she truly enjoys the process. she and her daughter, Chloe have planted many little seedlings...not sure what came of them, but I know they enjoyed the ride.

so, here I am. I have purchased some baby tears and are watering them (no pun intended).

here's a funny note, recently I had some girl friends over and gave each of them a plant. I wanted them to know that they meant a great deal to me and so gave them something that meant a lot to me. so, after finding them, I gave them away. I guess I am learning to enjoy the ride too!


feeling really grateful for the spring!!

loss

Am I having feelings, or what?

Let’s see… Loss feels like a sunburn that lingers and burns and stings and laughs at my attempts for beauty.

I attempted to live a life with a man that could in no way offer me true love and/or safety. How did this happen?

Sure, feelings are often a blurring of reality. But that does not take the sting away.

If I could take the hours, days, months, years away and return to life before Joe, would I? Of course, I have no way of knowing. All I have is today, yesterday is gone.

I want so desperately to know safety again. To wake up and not have this stinging and sorrow. Why does it hurt so much?

Ok. I chose to divorce this man who hurt me. Not only that. But, I chose to wait two and half long years for a “sign” that it was ok with God to do so. I did feel this. I am grateful that it came.

However, now I face incredible loneliness and loss. Sure, the loss is a broken marriage, but still, the loss of dreams is real too. As a child, I didn’t dream of what marriage would be like. I had no dreams of what a wedding day would look like. So, when it happened it stunned me. I feel like I haven’t lost my dreams of wedding days, but instead my companion tomorrows.

open 

open

Before God...never forgotton.
flesh and bone...we face our fears not with Armani pants and Prada shoes, not with painted faces or fashion flash.
we face our fears humbled and dependent on Great Light, Extreme Love, King of the lost and broken. Jesus Jesus Jesus...you are our Holy Father and Warrior King come to set us free from slavery. set us free.
we are unable, but willing.
broken, but not destroyed.

for good

Below are some prints that stood out the most today.
The artist has travelled to beloved India and has captured her as she is: elegant, bold, soft and rich in her dress and movement.
truly, places like India get into your skin and no matter what happens, a piece of our heart is given to her, perhaps in the hope of returning someday or perhaps to make sure there is never too much distance between ourselves and these places that feel like home.

Taj Mahal 

gold turbans 

Indian Rubies

this one especially caught my eye...children are given such diverse experiences in life through culture, faith system, economic status, etc. As a social worker, the darker side of certain experiences come to mind.

my heart utterly breaks to think of the atrocities committed against our children, the children of our world. I am not a mother, but that gutteral, deep booming roar is very present when I consider what many children suffer before they reach "adulthood". It is a very good thing I am not God, because I would not be nearly as patient as He, nor as gracious.

yet, as I write this, I am reminded of a friend I knew years ago. We met at church and since we had mutual friends, got to know eachother pretty well. He was very honest in admitting/confessing/sharing that he had been accused of touching a child in a sexually inappropriate way. Maybe it was because I saw how broken this person was, maybe it was his struggles that caused me to have compassion for him. Whatever it was, I could relate and could embrace him as a brother, knowing we are all just messed up and in need of God.

Does this make me a hypocrite? Sure, I can condemn somebody I don't know, but it's more difficult when I have held on to a friend when he cries and can feel his pain.

I do not in any way feel that sexual abusers who have "confessed" their sins should be trusted with children or given priveledges that others have who have not done such things. Children DESERVE to have beauty and safety, no matter what. But, thinking of my friend now, I feel less hatred towards the persons sinning in this way.

thankful for blogging this now. no point in judging.
just want these beautiful children to have all God has for them...the utmost.

art

I went to Best of Northwest Art show down at Sandpoint today. This is a fantastic opportunity to explore art created by local artists. My dear friend, Mary Ann Nagy has her art there and I "help" out so I can spend time with her and of course, to be wooed by the art. So, below are a few artists that really caught my eye today.
* "hello" (my title, not hers) is by: Jill Mayberg. I can't find her website but will post it later, if anyone is interested.
* "puppy" (my title) is by Leigh Jackson, her website: www.noisydogstudio.com
* "life" (my title) is by Juli Adams. www.juliadams.com

really fantastic artists. had a great time.

life 

My dream puppy, Wire Fox Terrier

puppy
someday this little buddy will be mine...to stinkin' cute!

hello 

flowers

a friend recently commented on the vulnerability revealed to who knows who through blogs. why do we share our deepest pains, written as it were on the store fronts of any city? do people pass by and wonder about the meaning? is our world so isolated that words are expressed on store fronts with the hope of someone coming inside to hold our hand and light a candle? I don't feel shame as I pursue truth through this form. for some reason, the feelings inside come out when I write. for me, it is a blessing to share. but my friend, has a really good point. why do we reveal our inner person so freely? it is a modern concern. and yet, there is nothing new under the sun. in what ways did our ancestors do the same thing?

books are even more risky. write a book with your name attached and the store front could have flowers next to it or be smashed by flying stones. it is human to want to share our experience.
that's all I can think of.

that allusive thing

Good Morning..
I have returned to the place of my blogger birth, Hotwire Cafe.

community is never easy to realize and in these modern times, I find it is something we desperately yearn for, yet it slips through our fingers, that allusive thing.

I am not a learned professional who knows statistics, who has written books and developed schemes in which to bring community about. hardly. in fact, I am one of those who wants companionship but, finds it much easier to just isolate and meet my own needs. does that make me different or am I in fact just like you?

Anyway, the reason I hopped onto this topic this morning is because Hotwire is a really cool place that offers music at night, coffee and if you so choose, backgammon and chutes and ladders by day. It is in fact, a regular community center...well, sort of. Coffee isn't free and in fact, neither is this internet service. So, building community costs something. hmmm.

what does it cost to build community?
it costs looking out of sort and well, just not all together.
it costs me time.
it costs me love.

what does community offer?
it offers acceptance.
it offers me purpose.
it offers me love.

without sounding so corny, isn't it worth it to just be real. be willing and available. why not open up? why not lay it all down?

I love to ask questions because then, I don't have to have all the answers.
rather sneaky snake of me, huh?

so, whoever is reading this. thanks.
you have been a good listener.

more on Kayaking

today I experienced joy, both quiet and loud, even as I felt my companions, grief and suffering near by. I realize more now then yesterday that the loss I feel is very real. I have lost a spouse to divorce. the feelings I have are equal to those of one who has lost a husband to death. and it seems that the more I come to understand that, the greater life has become.

as I drove over the 520 bridge during rush hour, I noticed boats gliding through the water towards UW. watching the oars catch wind and then dive back into water brought my chaotic world to a halt (yes, I kept my eye on the car in front of me). I thought, "ah, I know how that feels", to drive an oar into wild and chilly waters.

I blogged recently about the ecstacy I feel when kayaking. perhaps the ecstacy, love-feelings are more profound then I realize. perhaps the surrounding sounds and sights is actually my Beloved, reaching out to me as I play in His garden. Song of Solomon (SOS) brings me into this reality. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine. Heather Clark, a recording artist, has an album that coupled music with the words of SOS. today, I could hear her singing as I worked at the computer and drove around town. the words played over and over in my mind, washing me of stale and sickening untruths that so often keep me paralyzed.

I find it strange that through this period of utter agony and loss I am awakening to the world around me, as if I were falling in love for the first time. as truth is received and pain realized, so is the color of leaves more vibrant and friendship-love more precious.

how is it possible to feel so lost and yet so aware of my surroundings, as if it were calling to me to come?

it must be the Beloved. calling me. calling you. to come.

reading lolita in tehran

came across an exceptional thought by the author, Azar Nafisi...
"I could invent the violin or be devoured by the void."

how does that translate into my life? it seems every day I make choices. do I celebrate unique and commonness within self and others, or do I groan that others are not just celebrating me?

recently, I have been thinking of aspects of life I have yet pursued...what prevents the steps needed to realize those dreams? it may sound funny, but kayaking has sort of been wooing me for years. each time I have sat alone, pushing and gliding through water, I have felt a sort of ecstasy with my world, as if every particle of living about me is quickening towards me and I am embracing it right back. this is not flying to the moon. this is going out of my house, down a few streets, renting a kayak and then moving forward into the dream.

maybe I just rely on tomorrow to take control so I don't have to.

P A I N

Below is an excerpt from the website: divorcecare.com. As one experiencing such intense pain through divorce, the words fit my deepest utterances of grief and longings for God, my Healer...

Your energy imbalance affects every aspect of your life. You may feel guilty because you lack the spiritual energy to relate to God or because you lack the physical energy to care for your children or to keep up with family and friends. Please don't.

Dr. Jim A. Talley says, "You need to be aware that these things are normal and to be expected, that you will recover, and that things will be fine. It's a matter of going through the process and allowing God to help you stabilize yourself. Put yourself back on the right track, and allow God to walk through this process with you. It is not a quick fix.

"The painful reality is you have two choices as you walk through this process: You can either have extreme pain by doing it the right way or excruciating pain by doing it the wrong way. There is no pain-free way out."

Do not feel guilty if you are not living up to your own expectations of how you should act in regard to your spiritual, emotional, physical, or mental responses. Regaining a balance is not possible right now. Just take one forward step at a time.

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" (Psalm 56:3-4).

Lord God, I choose to walk this journey with You, realizing that my pain is going to be a way of life for a while. But not forever. Amen.

angst

it's been a while since my last entry.

a torrent of emotion has whipped me silly

really, it's good and

I am thankful that finally

I can feel.

recently I heard the Lord say my name.

It sent me. It was as if I entered a calm.

I was undone.

He said my name again.

There is NOTHING like knowing

I am seen by my Beloved.

Thank you my Love

for being so gentle with me.

color

Hi!

Not much to say just wanted to be sure to check in. Canada was beyond words. Lots to write but not sure how to yet. I am painting my house blue and cream today...adding to the lavender and chartreusse (spelling?) already there. Sounds nuts, huh? I have already explored: orange, sunflower yellow, mustard brown and a shade of green called "soy". This coloring walls is much more then it appears to be. I have always been drawn to color, in fact my childhood dream was to have a large house filled with different colored rooms, full of flowers.

well, have a lovely week to all reading this...let me know how you are from time to time.

my heart, ruby red

today I am thankful for
sunshine
the perfect latte
therapy
true friends
sunshine
the snooze button
and
God's forever grace for me

tomorrow I am going on a journey to Canada. a free trip given as a birthday treat. a group of us are going to a conference, the subject, intimacy with God. The speakers are Heidi Baker and Graham Cooke. Jason Upton will be leading the music portion, I am so excited about that. I have been listening to his music for the past two years now. For those who are not familiar with his ministry, check out:
www.jasonupton.com
Graham Cooke recently spoke at a conference here in Seattle, but at the time I was not interested in going to anything remotely attached to the Charismatic movement. Some friends did go and were profoundly impacted by Graham's relationship and approach to God. It caused a desire in me to hear for myself what Graham had to say. Heidi Baker is someone I have heard of for the past few years, but again I did not want to go to yet another church meeting that seemed to focus more on emotionalism than true authentic desire for God. I know that is my own take on it and plenty have been blessed by the charismatic approach to God. I have just seen enough of what I consider to be more human than spirit. Anyway, Heidi's life is an example of what I have longed for since I was little and so it is time to see and hear for myself what she has to say, instead of judging how it is said. She and her husband have an orphanage that has taken in literally hundreds of orphans from the streets and trash heaps of Africa. I don't know much beyond that, but expect to learn more through this conference.

When I was around fourteen years old, I remember sitting in my bedroom watching a news report on the famine in Ethopia. As I watched the children with distended bellies and flies crawling over their mouths and eyes, I mourned, wailed and pointed at the tv saying out loud, "that is what I want to do with my life, I want to help those who can not help themselves". This was my pre-christian wail to God, just as Isaiah did in his day when he shouted, "here am I Lord, send me". Since that day, I have tried to make that dream happen. Each time I "work" for it, I find it so far away that I can not grasp even the vision of it. Then when I surrender and live in the moment, God some how brings it back into view and at times, "sends me". This struggle is always with me, whether dormant or not, it is always always always with me. In my early twenties, I was walking the cliff's of Santa Cruz's ocean shore and cried out to God to send me, wandering if it was even His desire to do so. Then, very deep within I heard, "read Luke 10". I was still very new in my walk with God and was unsure of what I heard and even where Luke was in the bible. So, I sat under a tall tree and read. It started out saying that Jesus was going to send His disciples, two by two to every city He was planning on going to. They were not to bring anything with them. They returned to Him later and rejoiced over the miracles performed through them. Jesus told them that they were not to be puffed up by the power but just to do what He says. I can't remember the rest. Later, when I moved to Seattle to attend Seattle Pacific University, I remember sitting in the small brick and stained glass chapel on campus, crying out again for His encouraging word for my life. He led me to Jeremiah 1. I again had no idea what that meant. I had been telling Him that I didn't feel able to do anything, that I was not smart enough, talented enough or brave enough to do "great" things for Him. I then read Jeremiah 1 in a huge, colorful bible...it stated that Jeremiah was not to worry about what to say, that although he felt simple and unable to do God's will, all God required of him was to be willing to open his mouth and God would do what Jeremiah was not able to do on his own. As I write this, I realize that I haven't read those texts in a long time and that they have been given to me as promises to hold on to. Maybe it is time to go back to those altar's of hope and believe they are real and that they are mine.

Well, I gotta run...it costs 5 cents per minute and I just reached the half-hour mark.

bless all those reading this and I hope it inspires you to pursue God for His encouraging word for you.

Shalom

music

I haven't much time, but HAD to share this tid bit:

check out some fantastic music I have been shuffling my tootsies (spelling?) to:
Madeleine Peyroux, she is simply fantastic! cd's: "Careless Love" & "Dreamland"
Ray Lamontagne cd: "Trouble"
Ben Harper cd's: "The Will to Live" & "Burn To Shine"
Zero 7 cd: "When It Falls"

this new highway

thank you, Land of the Rising Sun friend

for seeking and by the grace of God,

finding me here in these unseen narrow passages.

Please contact me at: indiarubyflower@yahoo.com

strange how rich a response this blog has offered...to be found by a friend living on the other side of the world...in no conventional way did this friend find me. Not phone, or letter, visit or friend, but through tiny unseen wires. I really appreciate this new highway.

this friend of mine quoted a woman who both offered and received true miracle-making-love in India almost 100 years ago. She said, "In acceptance lieth peace". I have no idea what that meant to her at the time, but it has struck a very deep chord and is still resonating within me.

those four words express what I have been attempting to articulate in this bloggin' highway. I have been working a twelve step program related to compulsive actions/thinking towards food for a month now. In addition, I recently ended a four year marriage that has left wounds in need of time and healing. So, to contemplate those four words, "in acceptance lieth peace", a sense of relief sweeps over me. Yes, that is what I have been striving for. Twelve Steps teaches to first recognize we are powerless over our addictions and that our lives have become unmanageable. My faith in Christ would make that step a cinch right? As a new Christian, I was fully aware that I was an inflated mess totally in need of God. But over time, the sting of truth has been overthrown by the numbing sense of control, which has made this step process all the more critical to my life not only as a food abuser, but also as a child of God needing His help, not to mention His love and acceptance.

The second step is to grasp and embrace that there is a Power greater than ourselves who is able to restore sanity to us. In this, in this...we find peace. As this is translated into the crevices of my existence, I say to self, "hey, this or that may be just as it is and I have no power to change it...in this Lord, I surrender and set it before you, please come and reign. Not just reign, but guide, teach, counsel...transform". Yes, in acceptance I do find peace. I accept that I am so not perfect. That at times I have BO, that my clothes are sometimes tight, sometimes dirty, that my house is less storage-unit-feeling than it was yesterday but not the architectural-digest-version-of-me yet. So it is.

the simple and profound miracle is, He is. Behaviors and actions are being transformed. The sanity is the peace I find in letting myself be in process. For too long have I measured value of self by perfection-oriented pictures. Life is too short and I am tired of trying to please others by wearing the glazed smile of someone totally unaware of her core value as daughter of Christ. Maybe the truth is, nobody expects me to be anybody other than me? Maybe that is why I related so much to Largeman in "Garden State". His transformation from glazed silence to honest living feels so right. It hasn't been drugs that have kept me from experiencing pain, it has been fear of people and change. I expect the deeper I go in surrender and sobriety, the higher I will go in living and dying. Pain is the bridge to cross or else I will drown in addiction, complacency and self pity.

who wants to come with me?

free coffee

This is so fun! I am new to this expressing-self-to-the-world thing through journaling. I can't wait to post some pictures of stuff I love, maybe even of me! I saw a film last night, "Garden State". I was a bit apprehensive about it at first...another film about two people coming together, how original can it be? To add to that, the description of the film stated it was about two neurotics on med's, finding romance. God, I thought, is this the general theme of our world now? Is this the sort of story my generation most relates to? Perhaps it is.

So, the four of us went to the Crest, a small theatre that often hosts non-blockbuster's (good films) for just $3. I was surprised to find the theatre packed for the 9pm showing. As people were filing in, I noted to self that the crowd consisted of earthy, young, older, funky and straight looking people. Ah, I thought, how I love Seattle. The guy in front of us had a serious case of BO, which didn't bother me in the least...it just seemed to enhance the crazy culture I found myself in. In fact, (French people please don't be offended) it reminded me of a gathering I went to in Paris years ago...a church service during a burning hot summer day, the BO meter was high and I could barely stand the sticky scent about me. Yet, since then, my sentimental self has translated that memory so that I appreciate the BO of my neighbor.

The film was fantastic. I really liked it. The music was moody....Nick Drake and others similar to him. It was magic in the ordinary. There was loss, grief, love, humor, darkness and redemptive light. Yes, I could relate. It reminded me of what I am learning in a Twelve Step program right now, that first we admitted we were powerless over the addiction we faced and that our lives had become unmanageable. Second, that a power greater than ourselves could and would help us find sanity. In this film, that power was Love. Without sappy emotionalism, I affirm that Love is the solution to our unmanageable lives. Love. Jesus-love.

I am really getting it,
Jesus loves me.
He recognizes that I am weak.
I need Him to be sane.
He is teaching me that He comes in many forms.
Friends
Family
Music
Art
even suffering.

Man, I am so thankful to be alive today!

Shalom,
India Ruby Flower

new day new year

Wow...we made it.
Thankful to be alive today. Visited St. James last night to close the year with hopeful melodic charm. Eventhough I could see a blue satin soloist standing there, it seemed as if she was lip syncing a chorus of angels singing to those of us present. Violins carried that enchanting language over us and perhaps beyond the painted glass walls to the city I love. It was important for me to step out of 2004 in a place where Jesus has held me so close and shown me His love in intimate ways.

I shed something there and crawled out into a crisp 2005 night.

I feel ready.