learning to walk in freedom

thank God. eight months.

Today marks my eight month anniversary of freedom.

The divorce was finalized October 7, 2004. Without a doubt, each of the five years spent in that marriage was more like being incarcerated than being wed to a loving partner. I used to think that it was something I had done. That if I had responded well, remembered everything so that he did not have to repeat himself, if I was more thoughtful, caring, etc, things would be better. It took a long time to understand that what I had done "wrong" was that I was a female, a representative of every woman who hurt him. The sad acts made against my ex-husband in his childhood sealed the fate of any woman who would later become intimate with him. He knew only fear, sadness and abandonment. And so, I became very familiar with the same. I write this because domestic violence is so vile and if my story can help one person, in any way, it is worth the risk to share it.

I remember sharing with a counselor in the second year of marriage that it was difficult for me to leave because my ex-husband and I experienced immenge joy at times. It seemed that we even experienced healing love too. I could not understand how that was possible when other times were so unbearable and he could be so cruel. She asked me to think about how good was the good and how bad the bad? If the bad outweighed the good, then our relationship was not nurturing, but destructive. It was really difficlt for me to snap out of denial and see the truth, and so these word pictures would help me, briefly, to see. Of course, now I can see that the the relationship was doomed, but at the time, I was in love and in denial. I was wounded and lost.

I don't blame the woman who held on. I know why she did and I have huge grace for her/me. I am even learning to forgive him. The greatest tragedy would be to be free of the tyranny and yet a slave to bitterness. Lord, may that never be so.

I can forgive the one who put me in prison, but I can also rejoice that I am free!!!

There are times I remember and thank God.
This is my alter today. A stone placed on the flesh of my life.
I am free. I am free. I am free.
Thank you sweet Jesus...I am free.

I am free physically and am learning to be free in my heart, mind and spirit.

Each day I call on His shalom, His abundant grace, His incredible love for me.
I now have hope for wonderful and simple things to come forth in my life and through my life.
Amen. Let it be so.