My dearest Abbey is gone

Abbey Graham

May 1990 to June 25th, 2005

"Set me like a seal on your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
passion as cruel as Sh'ol;
its flashes are flashes of fire,
(as fierce as the) flame of Yah.
No amount of water can quench love,
torrents cannot drown it.

SHIR-HASHIRIM (SONG OF SOLOMON) 8:6-7

my sweet kitty had been diagnosed with kidney disease a few months ago and was given a few months to a year to live. I was shocked to find out that my dear friend would not be with me for years to come. I just expected it. I mean, she looked so well. so beautiful. but the doctor said she was sick. I was to give her three different medications a day. over time, it dwindled to every other day due to fuss and expense. she hated it, as did I. she had also been diagnosed with high blood pressure which was related I suppose to the disease.

I have enjoyed these last months with her. enjoying her has always been easy to do. that scrappy cat. that smart girl. anyway, last week I noticed that she was not altogether herself. she was not her chatty meow meow self. Friday night the 24th, I came home from Taize and noticed she was really down. her tail was low to the ground, which was absolutely not her. she was always the princess, with her tail waving high in the air to her subjects (me). internally, somehow I knew she was looking for a place to die. she walked around the house, not finding rest. Saturday morning came and she was worse. she was walking funny, sort of falling over, not able to stand very well. she was not making a sound. not one meow. that was the worst. she had always told me what was up, where she had been and where I should take her. if she wanted to eat, she would meow and walk me to her bowl. she was like that, always chatting. so, no words, walking into walls and falling over was all very bad. as I was petting her, I noticed a large mass on her right side. I didn't want to believe all I was witnessing, but knew it was over. that it was time to put her to rest.

I called my dear friend Mary Anne and asked if she would meet me at the veterinary hospital. She had agreed to be with me when the time came to put my baby to sleep. such a gooooood friend. I made the appointment and had three hours to be with Abbey at home. I held her and cried and told her how much I loved her. she was quickly losing her energy. She let me hold her, more than she ever had before. she sat on my lap as I drove over to Mary Anne's house. Mary Anne drove us to the vet, God what a difficult ride that was. holding my Abbey, knowing she was going to her death.

we arrived and were given a room. the doctor is and was kindness personified. the most compassionate, most sincere vet I have ever met. he had been the one caring for her during these difficult months. he understood from the beginning that loss would come soon and tried his best to help me care for her as well as to keep costs to a minimum. I told him about her behaviors and the mass I had found. he said that she must have had cancer and not kidney disease. he said abdominal cancer can mask itself as kidney disease and it was common that it can cause the back legs to give out, which was happening. God, it all happened so fast. My hope was that he understood that she had to be put to sleep, I did not want to do loads of testing and other expensive procedures...I knew it was her time. I suggested as much and he seemed to be relieved that I knew.

I had to be with her when she went...it was critical that I loved her into her knew place. I just had to hold her and let her know that I loved her so much. Abbey never liked going to the vet's. she hated it. I could tell she was upset. I knelt on the floor so I could hold her tight while she rested on the table. as they were shaving her back leg for the injection, her body arched and then she rested her head on my right shoulder, her mouth just next to my ear. as the injections began, she started to breath loud and heavy. each labored breath going into my ear. she cried a few times and I held her tighter, crying and telling her she would be ok. without inhibition, the tears were pouring down my face...I was able to be "brave" until we had decided it was time...then the realization of losing my dear dear friend had shocked me into tears. she went quickly. her last breath was heavy and long, falling softly into my ear. it was incredibly painful to know she was gone. the doctor was kind enough to shave some fur from her belly, the softest bunny fur imaginable. how many times had I cried and slept on that downy soft belly? For FIFTEEN years she was my girl. my friend. my companion and comfort. and now, she was gone.

Mary Anne offered that I could bury Abbey in her yard. what a blessing. I just couldn't leave her with strangers to be burned and thrown away. So, I gently placed my Abbey in a box and took her home. Mary Anne and Bill were having out of town guests, so Abbey stayed with me until the following day.

It was like an Irish wake. I sat with Abbey and cried and cried and cried. More tears than I thought I had in me. My friend Christy sat with me a good part of the day. Thank God for friends. it was unbearable to be alone, without the sounds of Abbey's crying and running around. I just couldn't believe she was dead. and yet, watching her fade away over those 24 hours did help me to let her go. Abbey is an all white cat and her ears were always pink with life. during those 24 hours, the pink had faded to white, her body had become stiff, her little spirit was gone.

I buried her under a tree, a tree with thorns. perfect really, Abbey was my darling cantankerous kitty. Bill, Mary Anne and Mary Lee were there with me. we shared stories of my baby, I read scripture and a poem I had written for her. I placed the beautiful pink flowers I had bought from the store upon her body. she looked so peaceful. Mary Anne suggested that Bill place her in the grave, since it was deep. I declined the offer. During the whole process of death and grieving, I knew that I had to be the one to take care of her. she was my Abbey. I loved her in her living and wanted to do the same in her dying. I decided to bury her without a box. it was right that she would be with the earth and little creatures. she had always loved to play in the grass, pouncing on things (imaginary or real).

when I was ready, we walked single file to her burial site. what an amazing family they are. they were so kind to allow me space to do as I saw fit. I laid on the ground in my black funeral attire so that I could gently place her in the ground. I had covered her with some beautiful deep blue silk material I had bought in Hong Kong when I was eight years old. the material is all I have left of my grandfather who had died when I was nine. my mother and I lived with him for a summer in Singapore and he had taken us to Hong Kong for a trip. this material had always represented love to me, a sort of memorial of him. I wanted to give Abbey something that meant alot to me. so there she lay, with blue silk, pink snap dragons, and a small wooden icon of an angel blasting a trumpet. I covered her with the beginnings of her new home and then Mary Anne and family placed the rest of the soil upon her. that was by far the hardest thing to do. it was finished and she was gone.

so now I grieve. my dearest Abbey of fifteen years is gone. I moved out of my parents home with this friend. I traveled many states, cities and years with her. she was my constant and I shall never forget her.

I love you Abbey
always always always
Be free to roam the fields of Heaven
I look forward to seeing you again.
Dont' give the Lord too much trouble.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,

and naked I will return there.

ADONAI gave; ADONAI took;

blessed be the name of ADONAI."

IYOV (JOB) 1:21