today I experienced joy, both quiet and loud, even as I felt my companions, grief and suffering near by. I realize more now then yesterday that the loss I feel is very real. I have lost a spouse to divorce. the feelings I have are equal to those of one who has lost a husband to death. and it seems that the more I come to understand that, the greater life has become.
as I drove over the 520 bridge during rush hour, I noticed boats gliding through the water towards UW. watching the oars catch wind and then dive back into water brought my chaotic world to a halt (yes, I kept my eye on the car in front of me). I thought, "ah, I know how that feels", to drive an oar into wild and chilly waters.
I blogged recently about the ecstacy I feel when kayaking. perhaps the ecstacy, love-feelings are more profound then I realize. perhaps the surrounding sounds and sights is actually my Beloved, reaching out to me as I play in His garden. Song of Solomon (SOS) brings me into this reality. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine. Heather Clark, a recording artist, has an album that coupled music with the words of SOS. today, I could hear her singing as I worked at the computer and drove around town. the words played over and over in my mind, washing me of stale and sickening untruths that so often keep me paralyzed.
I find it strange that through this period of utter agony and loss I am awakening to the world around me, as if I were falling in love for the first time. as truth is received and pain realized, so is the color of leaves more vibrant and friendship-love more precious.
how is it possible to feel so lost and yet so aware of my surroundings, as if it were calling to me to come?
it must be the Beloved. calling me. calling you. to come.
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2 comments:
Dear, Dear One,
What a astonishing gift you have! As you put hand to key, you open yourself wide, exposing honest, sometimes raw feelings. Your gift of sharing of yourself, of identifying your pain and your ability to place words to those feelings of the heart amazes me. The depth of thought and feeling puts me in awe of the person I have loved as a friend (or sometimes as a mother). And that was just knowing the sweet, giving, sensitive person I could see, talk with and share a good laugh with.
There is even more in you!
We both know God is with you every day of your quest. May you feel his arms cradle you in the moments of pain, know his warmth on your cheek and hear his breath in the breeze. And may you laugh together in your moments of insight and success. There will surely be many of those!
Love ya!
lovesfabric
Yes; I'm in Paris. Wish you were here too: Look up my blog for more
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